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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23359636">Options</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitboozy/pseuds/bitboozy'>bitboozy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Broadchurch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(I think this counts as h/c? it's as close as I get), F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Series, Requests, tw: abortion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:54:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,917</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23359636</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitboozy/pseuds/bitboozy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re lucky,” she tells him. “You can make terrible decisions until the cows come home but you’ll never have to make a decision like this one.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alec Hardy &amp; Ellie Miller, Alec Hardy/Ellie Miller</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>204</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Options</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Well, @keyrousse requested a hurt/comfort fic...I'm not sure this is what you had in mind, but here we are! </p><p>...I didn't WANT to write this. But then there it was. </p><p>See the above TW in the tags.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She’s been different since the Trish Winterman case.</p><p>He’s noticed.</p><p>She’d never believe he’s noticed, but he’s noticed.</p><p>She cuts her hair. Shoulder length now, and always messily held off her neck with a clip. She wears more jumpers than blouses to work. She disappears from her desk frequently without explanation. She’s snacking even <em>more</em> often than normal.</p><p>She snaps at him now. Not their typical banter, the good-natured ribbing she has always seemed to enjoy so much. <em>Snapping</em>.</p><p>Fred shows up to work with her one day. He sits in her lap almost the entire day. She doesn’t let him go. Soon he’s showing up more and more. He plays with his legos at the empty desk next to hers. She squeezes him every chance he gets. Sometimes the child wanders into his office when his mother gets distracted.</p><p>He drives his toy cars along Alec’s office couch making low grumbling engine noises.</p><p>Alec gets up and moves to sit on the edge of his desk, watching him.</p><p>“Fred.”</p><p>“<em>Vroom</em>.” The child doesn’t look up.</p><p>“How come you’ve not been in nursery so much?”</p><p>“Dunno.” He is face level with the toy car, as if he’s inspecting every tiny little machination.</p><p>Alec folds his arms across his chest thoughtfully. “Things all right at home?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Fred does not come to work with her the next day. It’s a relatively quiet day, as it’s been a relatively quiet week. The whole team is grateful for it, after the last major case.</p><p>Ellie shows up in his office doorway around 1pm. “Taking lunch. Bring you back something?”</p><p>He shakes his head. “No.” Then remembers to say, “Thanks.”</p><p>She nods, having expected precisely that answer, and leaves. A few minutes later, he catches a glimpse of sunlight through the windows across the hall and is moved to get himself outside. He takes himself for a walk, appreciating the slowly rising temperatures and the late spring breeze. It feels like it’s been winter his whole <em>life</em>.</p><p>He heads toward the pier, then catches a glimpse of her sitting on the bench. He wouldn’t dare call it <em>their</em> bench in her presence. But that’s what it is. She’s sitting cross-legged, no coat, wind blowing around the hair strands that have escaped from her clip. She’s just staring off. For once, still. He realizes only in this moment how rare it is to see her <em>still</em>.</p><p>He shoves his hands in his pockets as he approaches, wind blowing his own hair around.</p><p>“All right, Miller?”</p><p>A frighteningly automatic scowl appears on her face. “Oh, christ.”</p><p>He almost smirks. “Sorry to <em>disturb you</em>.” She’s reminding him far too much of himself at the moment. He stands in front of the bench for far too long before he finally asks, “May I?”</p><p>“Suit yourself,” she retorts. “You always do.”</p><p>He sits beside her, a reasonable distance away. There’s a long silence before he speaks. “If the case is still botherin’ you, you might want to think about seein’ – “</p><p>“Oh, shut up, Hardy.”</p><p>Thoroughly rebuffed, he folds his hands in his lap and straightens. “If there’s anythin’ I can – “</p><p>“Please.” She looks at him finally, but her gaze is withering. “Spare me the platitudes, yeah?”</p><p>“Fine.” He throws his hands up, then stands.</p><p>As he walks away, her trembling voice stops him in his tracks.</p><p>“I’m pregnant.”</p><p>For a moment, he freezes. Then warily, he turns around. Her eyes are filled with terrified tears, her scowl replaced by shockingly delicate, quivering features.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>She looks down. “Stupid.”</p><p>“Uh.” He takes a step back toward her. His mind is racing, his body aching, he wants to reach out to her, but his thoughts are moving too quickly and painfully for him to make a single decision about what to do.</p><p>“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she repeats. “Forty-one years old and absolutely bloody useless. One day I’m giving Tom <em>the talk</em>, the next day…” She drops her head into her hands. “<em>Stupid</em>.”</p><p>His body is vibrating with too many conflicting thoughts and emotions to sit back down beside her. So he stands idly where he is.</p><p>“What – how did --- uh.” He clears his throat. “Sorry. You don’t – I just mean – “ He sighs. “Sorry.”</p><p>Ellie looks up again. “You’re not the only one who can get on Tinder.”</p><p>“…….Ah.” He’d much rather forget that odd little blip in his life.</p><p>She uncrosses her legs, then re-folds them underneath her, shifting her weight. “Bloke from Weymouth. Nice bloke, actually. But it turns out a desperate, randy Ellie Miller makes poor life choices after a few G&amp;T’s,” she explains, not quite looking at him. “Not on the first date, mind you, she’s not <em>so </em>far gone. Three dates in. At his. Wasn’t bad, to be honest, at least from what I remember but I…look, I’ll be honest, I haven’t been quite so…vigilant about birth control these last years, haven’t seen the point, I miss a day here and there and never think much of it because I haven’t been…you know.” She looks away. “Active so much. And stupid Ellie Miller who spent most of her adult life married doesn’t have that reflex, you know, that stop and check for a condom reflex. And oh, look at her now, a stunning example, pillar of the community, don’t you hope your daughter grows up to be just like her.”</p><p>Alec looks down at the ground, kicking around a few bits of gravel, and resists the urge to say, <em>I do, actually</em>.</p><p>“Are you, um.” He glances at her through the hair that’s fallen onto his face. “Certain? I mean, have you seen a doctor?”</p><p>“Tomorrow,” she replies. “And lord how I look forward to the judgment.” He’s looking at her quizzically, so she says, “Old family friend. Mate of my dad’s really. Says it all, doesn’t it?”</p><p>He nods.</p><p>“Sorry to unload on you like this. Sure you weren’t expecting…well.” She sighs and rubs her temples. “Anyway.” She doesn’t say she’d appreciate it if he’d keep this between the two of them. Because she knows she doesn’t have to. Who would he tell? “I’ll be back in a bit. Just going to wallow a smidge longer.”</p><p>“…All right.” He nods again, at nothing really. “Let me know if you……….”</p><p>“Yeah.” She offers him just the slightest sliver of a smile. “Thanks, Hardy.”</p><p>Alec can hardly concentrate on a thing for the rest of the day. Well, a thing that isn’t invasive flashes of Ellie in bed with another man. He should be brainstorming ways to ease her pain and anxiety, but all he can see is her breasts (how he imagines them anyway), her hair down, her arching her back, crying out, sweat dripping down…</p><p>“Fuck.” He starts pulling at his own hair to redirect the images elsewhere. It’s all well and good until he remembers another man is making her cry out. In his own fantasies.</p><p>Mid-afternoon, he grabs his jacket and power walks out of his office.</p><p>“Callin’ it a day,” he announces, without explanation.</p><p>Ellie looks up from her desk, frowning. He’s never <em>once </em>“called it a day.”</p><p>*</p><p>They don’t discuss it at all the next day. Business as usual. He brings her a packet of fish and chips around lunchtime, but doesn’t say a word. Just drops it on her desk and retreats back into his office. From his desk, he notices every time she jumps up and runs off to the loo. Morning sickness, he can only surmise. Late in the afternoon, he brings her saltine crackers. Again, he says nothing. She smiles.</p><p>Ellie leaves work early for her gynecologist appointment. Alec watches her go, and she glances at him only briefly as she walks past his office. She had not expressly told him she’d be leaving early or why. She knows he knows.</p><p>For hours afterward, he wants to text her. But he doesn’t know where the line is. He <em>is</em> still her boss after all. He knows there’s some legal thing about not being allowed to ask if a subordinate is pregnant. Not that she’d ever…not that <em>he’d </em>ever…nevermind.</p><p>At 11:30 that night, there’s a timid knock at his door. Daisy has long since retreated to her room. For the most part, Alec does not lay eyes on his daughter between the hours of 9pm and 7am. Between school work and Netflix, she is well occupied. He’s been sitting on the couch for hours, doing work that does not need to be done. When things are slow, he digs into cold case files. Just for the fun of it.</p><p>When he hears the knock, he pulls off his glasses and makes his way to the door somewhat suspiciously. He sees the glint of her orange jacket before he can register anything else in the dark. He opens the door.</p><p>“Miller.”</p><p>“I know it’s late,” she says. “But I also know you – “</p><p>“Don’t sleep, I know, come in.” He steps back to allow her into the house.</p><p>She goes straight to the couch, briefly eyeing the files on his coffee table. “Case was thirty years ago.” She knows, because this is not the first time he’s fixated on it.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Ellie takes her coat off and tosses it on a chair. Underneath she’s wearing a pale orange jumper – his keen detective’s eye recognizes it from years earlier, when he came round for dinner with her and Joe – and black leggings. She immediately sits down cross-legged on the couch, exactly as she had been on the bench the day before.</p><p>“You had your, um. Appointment,” he says, standing idly with his hands in his pockets.</p><p>“Got it in one,” she says, and it’s unclear to him at first whether she means him or her. Then she nods with a sad, resigned smile. “Sore tits, always the tell-tale sign. I ought to know, been there three times before.”</p><p>His entire body freezes when she says <em>three</em> and he has no idea what to say. But she pushes forth, as if she has no awareness of having said it.</p><p>“Four weeks,” she tells him. “Doctor was nearly apoplectic about how quickly I’d made my decision. <em>Let’s talk about your options, Ellie</em>. Please. <em>It’s important that you take some time to </em>– Some time to <em>what</em>? Honestly. There’s no other choice.”</p><p>Alec tries to unfreeze his body, then slowly walks over to the couch. He sits at the edge, facing her a bit warily, but sympathetic.</p><p>“Not bringing a relative stranger’s baby into the world at forty-one. Not saddling myself to someone I was bored of after three dates,” she says. “My life is enough of a catastrophic mess. Two children by a paedophile, one by a three-night stand? No idea what that says about me, what do you think?” Fortunately she doesn’t stop and wait for him to answer. “Tom would go absolutely <em>ballistic</em>. And Fred, poor sweet Fred…no. Absolutely not, not an option, I won’t consider it.” She glances around suddenly. “Have you got anything to drink?”</p><p>He has a hunch she doesn’t mean tea.</p><p>“Uh, yeah. Yeah.” He stands up. “Might be an open bottle of red in the kitchen, let me…”</p><p>Alec is grateful for the reprieve. He stands in the kitchen for too long, trying to quiet his mind.</p><p>“Hardy?”</p><p>Her voice jolts him into action. He pours two glasses of wine and quickly brings them out to the living room. He hands her one and sits back down.</p><p>“Ta.”</p><p>He holds his glass out, then draws it back. “Doesn’t feel right to, um…toast.”</p><p>She looks into her glass. “No.” Then takes a long sip.</p><p>He throws some back as well. “So did you, uh. Make an…appointment? Is that how it works, you make an appointment?” It’s the most he’s said to her in two days. With words, anyway.</p><p>She nods. “Friday.”</p><p>Four days.</p><p>“Ah.”</p><p>He has no idea what he’s supposed to do. Comfort her, tell her she made the right decision? Try to talk her out of her? Tell her he’ll…what, help her?</p><p><em>Christ</em>. Help her? What’s he going to do, help her raise another man’s child? Well. It’s what he’d like to do with Tom and Fred. But he can’t –</p><p>No. What? No.</p><p>“How do you feel?” He asks, finally.</p><p>He then notices that she has already finished her glass. Clearly the decision is firm.</p><p>“Dunno,” she replies, setting her glass down on the table. “Like to give Four Weeks Ago Ellie a good bollocksing, tell you that.”</p><p>He hesitates, distracted, then takes her glass. “Another?” She nods, and he goes into the kitchen to refill her glass.</p><p>“Not something I thought I’d ever do,” she says from the living room. He can just barely hear her. "Never saw myself in this position.”</p><p>He returns and hands her the glass.</p><p>“You’re lucky,” she tells him, taking a sip. “You can make terrible decisions until the cows come home but you’ll never have to make a decision like this one.”</p><p>He looks down. “’m sorry.”</p><p>She shrugs. “My own fault.”</p><p>She looks so small, all of a sudden. Smaller than usual. She’s shrunk into herself somehow. Before he has time to think about it, and consider all the reason why he shouldn’t, he reaches out and covers the hand on her lap with his. She doesn’t move.</p><p>“If it feels right to you, it’s the right thing to do,” he says quietly. “Does it?”</p><p>“…Yes.” Her voice is barely above a whisper.</p><p>Her fingers curl into his.</p><p>“Will you come with me?” Ellie asks, turning her head to look at him now. “They make you bring someone. To drive you home.”</p><p>She squeezes his hand tighter, probably in nervous anticipation.</p><p>“…’Course.”</p><p>She smiles. “I know driving’s usually my thing.”</p><p>He ventures a hint of a smile back. “I’ll make an exception this once.”</p><p>*</p><p>For the next four days, he’s her own personal Father Christmas.</p><p>He brings her scotch eggs, KitKats, chips, coffee, wine, and even a candle once for some reason. He never says a word, just drops them off at her desk. If anyone else at CID notices, they don’t say anything.</p><p>On Thursday, she brings Fred to work again. He tries not to psychoanalyze her, but as a parent he supposes he can understand the need to have her children close given the impending circumstances. This time Fred is restless, toppling things over and pestering the other detectives with a ceaseless list of nonsense questions.</p><p>“Come on, lad.”</p><p>Alec lifts him off the empty desk, on top of which he has been sitting.</p><p>“Outside.”</p><p>Ellie looks up, apologetic. “You don’t have – “</p><p>“Say ‘see you later, Mummy.’”</p><p>He takes Fred’s hand. Fred waves at her with his other hand. “See you later, Mummy.”</p><p>Alec takes Fred to the nearby park and lets him run around, burning off all of his seemingly infinite energy while he himself sits on a bench and watches. The sun is out again today, and he finds himself basking in it. When Fred exhausts himself, a slightly whinier version of Fred comes out.</p><p>“Have an idea,” Alec says.</p><p>He buys Fred a 99 and they walk toward the pier. Fred runs toward his and Ellie’s bench when he sees it. Alec finds this odd and prescient, though perhaps he shouldn’t. Then Fred sits with his legs crossed, his little curls blowing in the wind, and Alec is knocked out.</p><p>When he sits on the bench with him, Fred asks, between licks, “Do you have a wife?”</p><p>Alec smirks down at him. “No.”</p><p>“You have a daughter.”</p><p>“Aye.”</p><p>Fred takes a big bite then puckers his lips as the cold takes over his whole head.</p><p>“Easy there, lad.”</p><p>Fred shakes out of it. “Did you used to have a wife?”</p><p>“A good while ago, yeah.”</p><p>“Do you want another wife?”</p><p>“Uh.” Alec chuckles uncomfortably and looks at his shoes.</p><p>“Do you have a <em>girlfriend</em>?” Fred has learned this term recently from his brother.</p><p>“Ah, no, not me, mate.”</p><p>Fred bites into the cone. “Do you <em>fancy</em> anyone?” He has learned this term recently from a television show.</p><p>Alec looks down at him with a crooked smile. “Do <em>you</em>?”</p><p>“I like my mumma the best out of everyone.”</p><p>Alec is so charmed by this response that before he can think better of it, he replies, “Me too.”</p><p>Fred’s eyes widen with delight and surprise.</p><p>“Oi, you two, what’re you getting into?”</p><p>Ellie approaches them, holding her hand up to her forehead to block out the sun. Fred runs toward her. Alec stands.</p><p>“Mumma, DI Hardy likes you the best out of everyone!” Fred announces.</p><p>Ellie is briefly startled, then relaxes. “Ah, well, no surprise there, DI Hardy hates <em>everyone</em> at work.” She leans down and smooches his cheek. “All right then, best be getting out of his hair. Did you say thank you to DI Hardy?”</p><p>Fred turns and grins. “Thank you, DI Hardy.” Then he grabs Alec’s hand. “We can all walk back together.”</p><p>*</p><p>Sometime before the end of the day, Fred invites Alec to dinner. Ellie hadn’t really planned on anything but takeaway, but she agrees. She can’t stop seeing the image of Fred and Alec holding hands.</p><p>“Why don’t I cook?” Alec suggests.</p><p>Ellie’s eyes widen. “Ah, no, no need to – <em>we</em> invited <em>you</em>…”</p><p>“I’ll cook,” he insists. “Five people for dinner?”</p><p>“Four,” she replies. “Dad’s mahjong night. Tends to be an all evening affair, I’ve stopped asking questions.”</p><p>Alec tries and fails to hide his relief.</p><p>*</p><p>Alec drives Daisy to the train station after work. Friday is her mother’s birthday, so he allows her the day off from school to visit for a long weekend. He stops by the market on his way back, and he arrives at the Miller home just as David, Ellie’s father, is leaving. They exchange polite grunts as he heads out the door.</p><p>It’s not the first time Alec has come over for dinner, but it is the first time he’s done the cooking himself. Usually it’s accidental, working long hours, and dinner consists of takeaway or leftovers. Tom doesn’t think much of it, to both Ellie and Alec’s relief. Ellie sits at the kitchen table with a glass of wine while Alec cooks. Fred sits on her lap, chattering away. She can’t stop herself from squeezing him and kissing him over and over. He gets a bit squirmy sometimes, but it’s clear to Alec that he enjoys the attention from his hard-working single mother. Watching her with Fred, Alec gains an even deeper understanding of how difficult this whole situation must be for her.</p><p>Dinner consists mostly of Fred’s chattering, and occasionally Tom arguing with him in exasperation. Ellie seems content just to be in their presence, smirking at their bickering. Alec steals a surreptitious glance at her every chance he gets, for as long as it goes unnoticed. She seems both content and melancholy all at once, and he’s almost ashamed of how beautiful he finds her like this.</p><p>When Fred nearly falls asleep in his dessert, Ellie decides it’s time to put him to bed. Alec insists upon staying to do the washing up. She fights him for a minute or so, but loses steam quickly. Tom disappears as quickly as his mother will let him, but not politely if painstakingly thanking Alec for dinner.</p><p>He’s drying the last few dishes when she returns to the kitchen. She pours each of them a top off of wine, then stands at the counter with them.</p><p>“Thank you for this.”</p><p>“No need.”</p><p>She bites her lip. “And for tomorrow.”</p><p>“There’s no need, Miller.”</p><p>Ellie sighs and leans back against the counter. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you’re quite good with Fred.”</p><p>“Ah.” He waves her off. “He’s a good lad.”</p><p>She smiles, then puts her glass down. “Um, about tomorrow. It’s um, sort of a…whole day affair for me, you know. Apparently I’ll need the whole day.”</p><p>He blinks at her. Of course he knows. “Already told Jenkinson we’d be off tomorrow.”</p><p>“…We?”</p><p>He scoffs. “You don’t think I’m just gonna drop you off at home and have you sit around alone fending for yourself, after --- “ He puts his own glass down. “Well I’m not, if that’s what you <em>were</em> thinkin’.”</p><p>“…Oh.”</p><p>“Thought I’d take you to mine. So you wouldn’t have to deal with your father,” Alec says.</p><p>Ellie shifts a bit, trying to maintain her balance. She reaches out, but she’s not sure what exactly she’s reaching out <em>to</em>, so she pulls her hand back again.</p><p>“Daisy’s set up some sort of Apple TV thing on our telly. Apparently we can watch whatever we want,” he continues. “Don’t really know how to use it but she left me detailed instructions. And I’ve stocked up on all the things you like. Or – “ He takes in her overwhelmed expression. “Or we could just order takeaway, whatever you – whatever you like.” He swallows.</p><p>Ellie breathes in, then reaches out again. Her hand lands between his ribs, fingers grazing over his shirt button. She focuses on the hand, does not look at his face, far too terrified. Though it’s only a few seconds, it feels like a hundred lifetimes before his hand covers hers. She finally looks up. He swallows again. There are tears in her eyes. Not the kind he’s used to seeing. Her cheeks are pink, her bottom lip is quivering ever so slightly.</p><p>Quietly, she clears her throat, maintaining eye contact with him. “I, um..."</p><p>Instead of finishing her sentence, she pushes herself up on her tiptoes and kisses him. When her lips press against his, she half expects him to tip backward, to step away. But his lips return the pressure, while clearly letting her lead. She pulls back just the slightest bit, takes a breath, then kisses him again, this time capturing his bottom lip. A soft grunt of pleasure escapes him, encouraging her to reach for the back of his neck and pull him down closer. His places one hand between her shoulder blades, the other at the small of her back, and she opens her mouth to him. He had wanted her to keep leading, but it seems this is her way of doing so. She grasps at his shirt with her other hand. His tongue cautiously slips past her lips. Her quiet, needy moan curls his toes. She suddenly turns and pushes him back against the counter and slides both arms up around his neck, pressing their bodies close together. His hands slip underneath her jumper to feel her warm, soft skin. They roam around happily until they reach her stomach. Then he breaks the kiss. His hands fall to her hips and gently move her a few steps back.</p><p>“Ellie, ’m sorry.”</p><p>She is jarred, breathless. “What?"</p><p>“Didn’t meant to – “</p><p>To his astonishment, she smiles. Grins, even. A short laugh escapes her. “Didn’t mean to what?”</p><p>“Uh.”</p><p>Ellie straightens out her jumper, then reaches for her glass of wine and takes a sip. “That was nice.”</p><p>“I – “ He takes a step back, eyes wide. “It was?”</p><p>She smirks. “Wasn’t it?” She glances down at his tight trousers.</p><p>“Christ.” He turns away, facing the counter. “Sorry. Um. Just – uh, sorry.”</p><p>“Oh, stop apologizing, don’t be such a twat, <em>I </em>kissed <em>you</em>,” she chides him, taking another sip. Then she smiles again, cheekily. “Go on home. I don’t mind if you think of me.”</p><p>He makes a face at her. “Oi, hey now – “</p><p>“I’ll see you in the morning, yeah?”</p><p>“Uh. Yeah. Yes.”</p><p>She turns away from him and starts walking down the hall toward the front door. Sheepishly, he follows. With an awkward nod, he steps over the threshold.</p><p>“Hardy.”</p><p>He turns. She kisses his cheek. “Drive safe."</p><p>*</p><p>That night Alec doesn’t sleep.</p><p>…But he does think of her.</p><p>*</p><p>The next morning, instead of driving to work, Ellie leaves the house the same time as usual, but drives to Alec’s. Her father is none the wiser.</p><p>Alec opens the door while sipping his tea and steps back to let her in. He’s dressed as he always is – suit and tie. She’s in an oversized jumper and leggings, her hair messily clipped together in the back, no makeup. Not how she would <em>normally </em>follow a first kiss, but there’s nothing normal about this.</p><p>“D’you need anythin’?” Alec asks, bringing his mug to the basin. “Toast? A banana?”</p><p>She can’t help laughing at the way he says <em>banana</em> and it makes him frown.</p><p>She purses her lips quickly and covers her mouth. “Sorry. I’m fine, thank you.”</p><p>“Right. Well.” He nods to himself. “Best be gettin’ on then.”</p><p>The drive to the clinic is a quiet one. For once, Ellie has little to say. He glances over now and then, watching her wring her hands in her lap.</p><p>At the clinic, the waiting room is populated mostly by young girls, and sometimes their young boyfriends. Alec has a brief moment of imagining Daisy sitting across from him. Then Ellie nudges him and asks for the date as she fills out her paperwork. After she turns it in, she sits beside him staring straight ahead, again wringing her hands in her lap. He reaches a hand out to cover them, to still them.</p><p>“It’ll be all right.”</p><p>She nods, but doesn’t look at him.</p><p>“Eleanor Miller.”</p><p>A nurse stands in the doorway with her file. Ellie looks at him suddenly then, struck with terror. Her eyes fill up quickly with tears.</p><p>“I can’t do it,” she whispers harshly. “I can’t do it, I can’t do it.”</p><p>He feels terror-struck just looking at her, but he shakes it off. He has to shake it off. “Yes, you can.” He squeezes her hand. “Who’s stronger than you are?”</p><p>The nurse is waiting. “Ms. Miller?”</p><p>Ellie looks back at her briefly, then back to Alec. “I can’t…”</p><p>He touches her cheek, his steady gaze holding hers. “Is this what you want?”</p><p>“Yes, but – “</p><p>“Then you can do it.” He wipes a tear away with his thumb. “I’ll be right here. Nothin’ to be afraid of.”</p><p>She looks down, then nods. She lets out a shaky breath, then gets up and follows the nurse out of the room.</p><p>*</p><p>The magazines in the waiting room are shit, but Alec reads all of them anyway. Anything not to have to picture what she’s going through right now.</p><p>When she finally re-emerges, she looks much the same, only a bit hollow now. He stands up and goes to her immediately, taking her arm.</p><p>“All right?”</p><p>She nods.</p><p>He leads her toward the door, holding her bag for her.</p><p>“Stop for 99s?”</p><p>She nods again.</p><p>*</p><p>When they reach his house, he sets her up on the sofa. He’s brought out additional pillows and blankets from his bedroom. He makes them both a cup of tea, then brings out the snacks, spreading them out on the coffee table.</p><p>Ellie is curled up underneath an afghan blanket blowing on her tea, watching him.</p><p>“Bit like a sleepover,” she says mildly. “Feel like we’re about to watch scary movies and stay up all night making prank phone calls.”</p><p>She cracks a smile, but he’s very serious. “Is there somethin’ else you need?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>He exhales. “All right.”</p><p>Alec sits down in a nearby chair, then picks up a piece of paper and multiple remotes. He puts his glasses on. “Let’s see now.”</p><p>She takes a moment to watch him with amusement, sipping her tea. “Hardy.”</p><p>“Yeah.” He looks at her, pulling off his glasses.</p><p>“You could, um.” She curls herself up to make more space on the sofa. “Come over here.”</p><p>He hesitates briefly with his mouth half open. “Yes. Yeah.” He stands and moves over to the other end of the sofa, still holding onto the remotes and the paper. “Do you want to, um…” His hand finds her feet underneath the blanket.</p><p>Ellie nods her head, then stretches her legs until her feet are resting comfortably on his lap.</p><p>“Good?”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>He fiddles with the remote for a good three to five minutes while Ellie silently watches him, still just sipping her tea. She knows how to do it. But she’d never tell. Eventually the Apple TV menu appears on the screen.</p><p>“Brilliant, here we go,” Alec says, perhaps too excitedly. “What would you like to watch?”</p><p>“Something that will make me laugh.”</p><p>He thinks. That’s the last category he knows anything about. “French and Saunders?” He suggests hopefully. He has no idea what’s funny these days.</p><p>She smiles brightly. “Good.”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>It takes him another three to five minutes to find it and start it up. Ellie settles in, snuggling to the pillows and pulling the blanket up around her. He watches her briefly.</p><p>“You in any pain?”</p><p>“Bit…crampy,” she replies quietly. “Nothing I’m not used to monthly.”</p><p>“Can I get you anythin’?”</p><p>“No.” She smiles. “Just…maybe don’t go anywhere, all right?”</p><p>He gives her a short nod. “Not until you tell me to.”</p><p>Her eyes betray her gratitude, then she turns back to the telly. He tries to focus, but every time she laughs, his gaze shifts to her. It’s a quiet, unselfconscious, beautiful sound. Every once and a while she looks over to see if he’s laughing too. Which means she catches him staring at her quite a bit. And neither of them seems to mind.</p><p> </p><p>***</p>
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